There are many ways to describe grief, but Sue Peterson, a counselor in Methow Valley specializing in grief and loss, has a unique perspective.
“I think that grief is like a good bowel movement. It is healthy and necessary. It’s universal. We absorb what might nourish us and get rid of the waste, and the waste can even become fertilizer in the soil for new growth and life that can be meaning-making from our loss,” she says.
This was a theme in Peterson’s presentation last week at the Winthrop Library entitled, “Finding Meaning and Life After Loss: A Community Conversation,” organized by Methow at Home. Some attendees experienced loss very recently. Some anticipated it.
There are many kinds of loss. There is loss of abilities, material loss from theft or fire, loss of familiar surroundings, an end to opportunities, loss of an image of ourselves, loss of social stature, a demotion.
Loss can be as simple and affective as moving from an office with a window to one without.
Some celebrations can also be losses, such as graduation and retirement. There is also anticipatory grief such as memory loss, a spouse threatening divorce, or suspicion of someone abusing drugs, which can be harder to tackle because it’s undefined.
“When we don’t grieve or our grief is blocked, it is then we are constipated, and in grief that can look like ongoing depression or inability to engage the range of feelings in life, both the joy and the sorrow,” says Peterson.
Peterson uses the work of David Kessler, who worked with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, famous for her research which led to the model of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kessler added a sixth stage: finding meaning, which he wrote about in a book and workbook of the same name.
Peterson says grief causes the heart to grow over time, but it doesn’t diminish the grief.
People grieve differently. Some cry while others are task-oriented and attend to practical needs.
“Grief is as unique as our fingertips,” says Peterson.
There is a tendency to minimize certain types of grief, such as losing a pet, but all grief, at its core, is grief.
“If you start comparing grief, if you win, you lose,” she says. “If the connection is real, the grief is real.”
Peterson says we need to face our grief, not run away from it. She makes an analogy to the buffalo, who, when they sense a storm, run into it instead of away from it. This may seem counterintuitive, but by running into the storm, it passes more quickly than if they were to run away from it because the storm would hover and chase them .
“What we run from pursues us. What we face, transforms us.” says Peterson.
So, what can we do to help someone experiencing grief?
Peterson says there is a set of do’s and don’ts. The most important element is to have one’s grief witnessed, which brings healing through activation of mirror neurons. If witnessed properly, a grieving person can find comfort and relief.
“A grief shared is half the grief. A joy shared is double the joy,” she says.
Sharing stories and talking about one’s grief also brings healing.
“If we can name it, we can have a bowel movement.”
Guilt is a common feeling because most people would prefer control through guilt than the feeling of helplessness. Grief can also stir up an older grief, causing a person to re-grieve.
There are a myriad little acceptances on the path toward healing. In the case of a death, the event, a funeral, a memorial service, cleaning a closet and an anniversary are all steps toward acceptance. There are no timelines for healing. Eventually, says Peterson, pain can become a sweet place of remembrance.
Some people find meaning after grieving through volunteering, starting a foundation or scholarship, or restoring relationships. Honoring a person can be as simple as wearing a jacket, as Peterson does, of a friend who committed suicide.
Feeling of betrayal is a block to healing.
“Keep the facts, lose the pain,” says Peterson.
Joy can sometimes unexpectedly intertwine with grief, such as when a dog licks your face. Grief has many dimensions.
If you are able to step back from it, it is important to remember, says Peterson, that we are on sacred ground.
Sue Peterson is a psychotherapist working in the Methow Valley and can be reached at 509-341-4487 or suepetersonms.com. She also recommends Grief.com as a resource.
