Emily Jacobs leads the Braver Angels workshop at Winthrop Library Feb. 17. Jacobs travelled from Ellensburg for the event.
“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”
– Abraham Lincoln, courtesy of Braver Angels
Over 80 locals registered for the Depolarizing Within workshop on Feb. 17 presented by the Braver Angels, a national organization that conducts trainings and facilitates conversations to bridge political divisions. The organization was started by none other than a marriage counselor, who found his techniques in counseling useful for moderating political conversations.
Only 45 registered early enough to snag a seat. I was one of them. I registered because I wanted to improve my communication on hot button topics. I didn’t want to stoke the fire, so to speak, but I didn’t want to walk away from it either.
The principle of Braver Angels, according to local resident Janice Dickinson, who helped organize the event, is to improve communication and ultimately relationships by “not trying to convince, but to listen,”
“If facts could change minds,” volunteer moderator Emily Jacobs said sardonically.
As I listened to the presentation, I was reminded of how complex things had become. When I was growing up in the waning years of the Cold War, it felt like the country was pulling in the same direction, the difference being in gradation. Today, we can’t agree on much about anything. In my formative years, it felt like a sword fight of ideas. Now, it just feels like a sword fight.
One of my practice partners was George, who came to the training to reconcile with a friend who had voted for Trump. “You voted for Trump?” George relayed sarcastically. That was their last conversation before the training.
Braver Angels organizers travelled from Wenatchee, Spokane and Ellensburg. The meeting started with a good thought- not everyone on your side of the aisle is in agreement about everything. That is not only a stereotype, but an inner polarizer, said Jacobs. Distinguish between positions and people, she advised. People want the same things but “their way of getting there is different.”
“We’re not trying to change your opinion. We’re trying to have depolarizing conversations about issues that matter,” she added. “One of the most painful ways to polarize is to stereotype.”
What I thought was a unifying message was quickly dispelled when we were told to pick a “red” or a “blue” side for practice conversations. What if you’re not on either, asked a participant. Choose which side you agree with more, Jacobs advised. That didn’t really work for me. There are things I agree with on the right and things I agree with on the left. I can’t imagine myself wholly in either category. I had a difficult time imagining what a “red” person would say or what a “blue” person would say, or how to respond in a “red” or “blue” way. At one point, our group got confused about who we were responding to- the red or blue side? The training lost its momentum for me. It didn’t help that the slides didn’t match the handout and my organized mind rebelled.
Later, Dickinson shared that at the national convention, participants wore red or blue lanyards in line with their political leanings. She assured me the event was not polarizing. Participants from both sides got to practice their skills engaging in civil conversations. Those who were undecided wore yellow lanyards. I knew I wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing red or blue, and I wouldn’t consider myself undecided on the issues I care about.
I remembered a training about principled and relational people. Principled people put principles ahead of relationships. Relational people put relationships ahead of principles. Both have their drawbacks. We’ve probably all been in situations where we can’t get through to someone because of their relationship to someone else. My nature is decidedly in the principled camp. Needless to say, it was another reason why these exercises were difficult.
Jacobs taught the LAPP method- Listen, Acknowledge, Pivot, and Perspective. People tend to rush toward sharing their perspectives, but Jacobs said we should ask for permission before doing so. When you’re talking to somebody, maybe the person really doesn’t want to hear another viewpoint, in which case you’re asking for trouble if you continue. “People are at different stages of their lives,” said Jacobs. “Our mission is to depolarize conversation in our community and with each other.”
“Depolarizing first has to be within us,” she said.
As she said this, something within me stirred defensively. I realized that the real issue wasn’t what was being taught but what it was bringing up within me. I was born in Ukraine, where people are fighting for their survival. What side you’re on actually matters.
“Depolarizing first has to be within us.”
Why did I feel a sense of panic? I thought about Fascist Germany and whether the same could be said about them. I realized the deleterious effect of tribal warfare- it stays with you two generations later. Identifying friend or foe quickly was a matter of survival. My grandfather, who experienced World War II as a child, referred to a person sympathetic to the Allies as “our person.” Americans were attacked, but they weren’t really attacked, not like Europe. Depolarization, I realized, is a luxury of a civilized society.
At the end of the training, George said he would reach out to his friend using the principles he had learned. As I headed out the door, I stopped by the snack table, which I hadn’t partaken in during break, and eyed a cornucopia of wrapped balls of chocolate. I picked up a white chocolate, surprised at myself. I decided to stretch myself- try something different. It tasted better than I expected, but it wasn’t what I was used to.
I went back and took a milk chocolate.
